Non-Guilty Pleasures: POLICE ACADEMY

We all have guilty pleasures. Seemingly, these would be interests that might be embarrassing to most folks, but I’ve rarely felt guilt about my particular batch. After all, mine are almost always comedy films and I believe to be the most well-rounded person you can be, you ought to learn to enjoy the widest variety of humor, from fart jokes to Oscar Wilde. For the next few weeks, I’ll be talking about some of these pleasures for which I feel no guilt.

When my father passed away in 2021, I went into two modes 1) being of use to mom and attending to her needs rather than mine and 2) I went into an infant-like state by watching comfort films—films from my childhood that distracted me even when I had seen them so many times, I could recite every word.

In the back corner of my closet are a bunch of wood-paneled VHS holders. VHS, of course, was the primary technology and, even though I haven’t bought one since they went out of circulation, my collection is still pretty massive. It didn’t take me long combing through the comedy section (yes, they are divided by genre—something I’ve been unable to do with the DVDs because it would take too much time I don’t have) to realize what I wanted to watch were the Police Academy movies.

While the original six films were all financially successful, from the very first, they were given criminal drubbing by critics. Roger Ebert, my favorite critic, predicted the original 1984 Police Academy would be the bad movie other bad movies would be judged by. He could not have foreseen The Room or Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, I guess. But, as a film critic myself (one of my few paid writing gigs in life), I wonder if I would have been as harsh. Ebert was quick to enjoy movies that emulated the movies he loved as a kid, sometimes being the only person to give a good review to dreck like Baby’s Day Out and Benji: The Hunted. For me, the slapstick (and slightly prurient) comedy of the Police Academy films represented my childhood. 

I can remember when the animated series was aired, I asked my parents for the complete action figure set. By the time Christmas rolled around, the figurines were not ready, and we got a similar promise that the toymakers of Star Wars figures gave during a time of overwhelming demand. We got a letter that we would be receiving the figurines and I think the only one I ever received was “House,” a minor character in the fourth film, Citizens on Patrol.

I can also remember in 1993 when the great blizzard came (yes, to Alabama), the power went off while a rented copy of a Police Academy movie was in the machine. It took weeks for the power to return and I was just happy the eject button worked and the tape had not been destroyed (they were my favorite movies to rent). So, in honor of Mahoney, Tackleberry, Hightower, Jones, and (of course) Captain Harris, here are the Police Academy films ranked from worst to best (even guilty pleasures can be ranked despite one’s “liking” all of them).

7. Police Academy: Mission to Moscow

It is a universal truth that the final film in the series ranks last. The first American film to be shot in Russia after the alleged disintegration of the U. S. S. R., my favorite review of it came from Leonard Maltin. He said if the Cold War had still been on, it might have made a good weapon: “it could bore people to death.” It has its moments and Ron Perlman’s villain using a Tetris-like game for money laundering is not the worst idea for a premise, but this one came years after Part 6. In the heyday, they made a movie a year, but by the time of Moscow, the rhythm and pacing were off. I mean, they were never terrific, but the jokes in this one iare, indeed, no-good-nik.

6. Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

While technically number 6 is worse, the fifth installment is a disappointment on a much deeper level. Steve Guttenberg had headlined the first four films but could not appear due to being cast in Three Men and a Baby. Without Mahoney, our hero was gone and replaced by Commandant Lassard’s nephew, played by Matt McCoy. There is nothing wrong with Mr. McCoy—he had some great moments on Seinfeld (Lloyd Braun)—but he was no replacement. Watching RenéAuberjonois ham it up as a ridiculous cartoon villain should be fun but isn’t. Knowing the talent of the man, some of the things he had to do for a paycheck were truly sad.

5. Police Academy 6: City Under Siege

Technically, this is the film that broke the running streak, not opening at number one. Directed by The Bob Newhart Show’s Peter Bonerz, it has less a reason to exist than any of the others. The only thing that keeps it from being dead last is a great showcase for the talents of Michael Winslow, particularly his Jimi Hendrix one-man-show and karate scenes near the end. It is always fun to see Kenneth Mars on screen, this time as the villain. He looked a bit like a cartoon himself, so he fit within the franchise’s mode.

4. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

The second venture is notable for the inclusion of Commandant Lassard’s brother played by Howard Hesseman and the introduction of an unlikely comedy duo: Tim Kazurinsky and Bobcat Goldthwait. But, even without the R-rating, this film somehow turns out cruder than the first. The graduates battle a gang of ruffians in a film that screams 1985 in its color palette and tone. It is rarely funny except for a great moment with Sgt. Hooks (the late Marion Ramsey). That being said, if I were making Hollywood movies in the eighties and Bobcat Goldthwait came along, I’m not sure what I would have known to do with him. His best performance in film is as Zed, a perfect introduction to a comic persona that was very left-field at the time (the American equivalent of Rik Mayall’s British alternative comedy) and even refreshing.

3. Police Academy 3: Back in Training

Rarely is a third film in a series any good and there is no exception here, but it holds a higher place on the list for one reason and one reason alone: the introduction of a rival academy led by Commandant Mauser (Art Metrano). Replacing Captain Harris for two of the films, he does make a good foil for the struggling cops and, since the film is essentially one long prank on him, there are worse gags in the annals of ‘80s comedy.

2. Police Academy

Even the most die-hard fans of the franchise love the 1984 original the most, but I don’t. Police Academy was part of a trend in the early ‘80s of “snobs vs. slobs” films like Caddyshack. These movies were rated R and, while profitable, Hollywood figured out very quickly they could make more money on PG-rated comedies and, therefore, Police Academy took a safer route after the second film, one of the first with a PG-13 rating. The R-rated comedy did not make a comeback until Judd Apatow’s brief time as the king of Hollywood. But Police Academy is a child’s franchise. There are no academies like the one depicted in the films of course and it is a comic fantasy whose primary audience are 8–10-year-old kids, especially boys. Because this one has the hardest edge, it is too silly for adults and yet still not as exciting enough for kids and teens (despite the brief nudity). But it did start the whole trouble. After it, the opening march theme by Robert Folk became a frequent background noise in my home. The full musical theme is really quite good music.

1.     Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this is one of the 0% Rotten Tomatoes movies. Once Warner Bros. figured out they were making films for kids, Citizens on Patrol is the best of that milieu. It has an engaging premise: the academy is soliciting help and understanding from the community and begins a program for regular folks to assist the police and make the world a better place—at least Toronto, where most of the films were shot. It is a perfect showoff of the entire original gang, including Captain Harris whose performance in this one is, by far, the best. Hot air balloon rides, Sharon Stone and Colleen Camp, the poetry circle “Jean Jean Made a Machine…” and, of course, the film introduction of David Spade as a rad skateboarder (with Tony Hawk as his understudy). Is there anything not to like?