Swiftology: Theology, Scriptures, and Sacraments

This recently added, removed for defamation, and unearthed section of Walter Martin’s seminal book on new religious movements, The Kingdom of the Cults (with revisions by Len Krakauer) is offered here to the public for the first time. I found it, oddly enough, tucked into a marked-down copy of Eat, Pray, Love in a bin at Books-a-Million.

CHURCH OF SWIFTOLOGY OF LABOR DAY SAINTS

est. 1989 (West Reading, PA—the capital city of Country/Western Music)

Many cults use music as part of their indoctrination. However, few are started by musicians, except for perhaps the Manson Family and L. Ron Hubbard, who was apparently amazing on the jaw harp.

The Church of Swiftology of Labor Day Saints (hereafter called by their moniker “Swifties”) is unique in that it preserves the legacy of the millennialist zeitgeist singer/songwriter Taylor Swift, named after James Taylor, perhaps the most slanderous (and hilarious) aspect of all of this.

THEOLOGY: Swifties are known to hold their “services” dressed all in “red.” One cannot become a full tithe-paying member until the age of “22,” which is usually the age of a single mom having to pawn her vehicle for tickets to one of Swift’s tour performances.

Swifties are among the most litigious and brainwashed of any cult on Earth. While large in number, we feel the term “cult” still applies as they have an unwavering devotion that borders on the edge of insanity. More has been written in print (online, social media posts as well) on their leader than Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Herbert Hoover (put together!).

This goddess figure with doe eyes and a penchant for writing songs about the many men dumped in the swamp through song can do no wrong, making her not only the most attractive cult leaders anywhere, but also the most sacrosanct. Should anyone criticize her, Swift punishes them by accusations of misogyny, even if the criticism is about what kind of fruit she puts in a smoothie. The members of the cult back her up on this, shouting down toxic masculinity, and replying (often in unison) to friends and family members: “WeeeeeEEEEE will never ever ever ever…” etc.

SCRIPTURES: Unique in cults, the hymnology is the primary source of scripture. Though Swift wrote a novel as a twelve-year-old, this material can only be accessed when you’ve been in the cult for at least seven years and have paid a substantial amount of money to the Church. It is given to you in a locked briefcase, zip-tied to your hands and reveals the source of all our miseries and woes have something to do with a galactic overlord from the planet Mayer. Even Edward Snowden has been unable to leak this document.

SACRAMENTS: The “Eucharist” of the church changes frequently. While once diet soda was the norm, the current preference is the French Blonde—a concoction of grapefruit, Lillet Blanc, gin, elderflower liqueur (which is often replaced by her poverty-stricken followers with Pabst Blue Ribbon) and lemon bitters.

Notably, the chronicler of this book can see no wrong with “Blank Space,” a perfect pop song from someone who used Country music (the only industry where half an album’s worth of songs can be #1 hits) to propel herself to cultdom.

Damn. That’s a good song.